We Are Not Remused

Foodchik has the suitcase out, so we no her skipping out on us. Her teld us that her will miss us and our foodchiks will visick everyday and give us food and pets. But me are not remused, them very nice but them no speak too much cat and no really sit still long enuf to give them head a lick and have a chat. Foodchik a cow and her moo.

Things

Foodchik no a lot of things, me were surprised. Me asked her why me feel funny when the moon is full. Her say because the moon light make my teef feel sharper. That make sense. Her always have good answers for me. Me ast her where snow come from and her no. Me ast her to resplain why them have innings in baseball but not in soccer or football. And her no. And when her don't no, her say Sharkbutt, let's look it up and find out. And we do.

Cousin

My cousin sent me an email, her have to write something about the food chik so her ast me questions.

What does your food chick like? (sic - me hope her mom check her homework, that no look right to me) Her like fitch, and money and to wear clothes and shoes and her like to eat, and sleep.

What does your food chick dislike? (sic - this kids grammar hurts me teef) Foodchik no like people who knock on the door on saturdays wif pamphlets and mess, her really skived out by eggs and bird poo.

What is your food chicks greatest attribute (sic) me don't know what her really talking about here, probably something odd. the chik a little odd.

Why your foodchik best? (not sic, me sick of this grammar) because her just are, and her say good morning cats every morning and make sure everybody gets pets and snacks. And because her have a nice house for us wif good food even though it rescription because big stripey no no how to pee. and when me tell her foodchik, you a cow and you moo, her no me kidding and her say moo sharkbutt moo.

HMMMM

Me had a chat with foodchik last night. Sometimes me sit on her head and lick it and talk to her, respecially when me want to have her attention. Her said, Sharkbutt you seem disgruntlement, what the matter? Me said foodchik, you had tunee fitch, why you no share. Her say, Sharkbutt I'm sorry, I know you like tuna fish but that kind is not good for you, especially once there's mayo and celery in it. Them not good for you either. But remind me and I'll give you a tuna treat that's good for cats, in the morning. And me no have to reminded her, her remembered and gived them to us this morning before her went wherever her go in the morning. That work place, but me hear her talk to people and me know her call it the 7 letter word for hell. Me think that mean her not always enjoy it mutch.

What the deal with heaven and hell anyway? Me asked foodchik that last night too. her said Sharkbutt we Buddhists so we not so much with the heaven and hell thing, we got the hungry ghost thing and such, so that why you no want to get too attached to the tunee fitch. You know? Her have a point but me would never admit that to her. Her still a cow and her still moo.

Me Irate

Foodchik made tunee fitch salad and her no give us any tunee fitch, her gived Stripey some tunee fitch juice. But then dumped the rest of it down the sink. Her a cow and her moo, and qak like a duck.

(fc note: chunk white tuna is not good for cats which is why I didn't share it. )

As Requested

Deer Sharkbutt,
How are you? Can you tell us stuff about your foodchik and the big cats. We liked the four things about you so much that we’d really like to no four things about them too. It can be any four things.

Thanks,
Tank and Punking

Deer Tank and Punking,
Hi, how you? Me good. This is a very good question.

4 things about big Stripey
Him write stories in urine.
Him was born on Christmas but him didn’t no about Santy Claws and the flamingos until food chik tell him the story.
When him stratch himself too much him have to wear a shirt to proteck him and it has to get ducttaped onto him wif flamingo pink ducttape.
Him a cow and him moo.

4 things about Puppy
Her are old.
Her have 4 kittens and one of them, Niles is a 20 lb giant cat.
Her can read tea leaves.
When foodchik snorps her will pull up food chik eyelid and pull down her lip to make it stop.

4 things about Foodchik
Her wear shoes.
Her not really a taxidermist, but our voicemail message say her is.
Her smelp like a girl.
Her good at falling out of a kayak.

Mewzic?

Deer Sharkbutt,
Does your foodchik listen to music? Do you like it? My fooddude listen mostly to talk radio, wif a lot of ranting and raving. Him rant and rave a lot too, you think this cuz we no listen to music?
Thanks,
your friend Frank

Deer Frank,
Hi, how you? Me good. Yes, we listen to all kind of mewsic. Just no bluegrass - me fink that would just sound like grass and foodchik no can hear that and not too much opera cuz it make me and the big cats hide. when food chik doing massage we get a lot of plinky stuff wif water in the background, that make us all want to pee. Me do like it mostly. Me glad foodchik not too much wif death metal and headbangy stuff. Her like a little more chanting than me do. But we both like Kanye West and Timbaland so that good. The big cats like the plinky stuff, them laugh at me when me have to run and pee. Me do fink that you food dude might rant and rave cuz him listen to too much ranting and raving, yes. Do him drive much, foodchik say that will make for some raving too. sometimes.
Have a happy day,
love your friend,
sharkbutt

Question About Foodchiks

Dear Sharkbutt,
How can I help my foodchik pay more attention to what her cook and eat? I'm not so much concerned with her diet which is mainly very healthy as much as I'm concerned that her eat foods that cannot taste good together. For example, she made oatmeal for breakfast this morning, in my research I understand that that is good for people, and she added almonds to it, again good for people. But the almonds were jalapeno smoked, this does not seem like it would be good in oatmeal. Also, sometimes she takes the big lump cats vitamins by mistake, these are liver flavored and would seem to be distasteful to people. How can I help her get it together?
Thanks,
PD

Deer PD,
Hi, how you? Me good. It hard to help you foodchik unless you watch her like a hawk, and even then they pretty quick at doing something stupid. Sometime if you have a talk wif her that good. Me usually will sit on my foodchik head and say foodchik, why you eating jalapeno nuts in your oatmeal, is there something you want to talk about? Her will usually just say Sharkbutt, me just rinattentive sometime me will get it together. But that my best answer, talk to your foodchik about how her make you worry. And about the big lump cats vitamins, if her make that mistake more than once she probably kind of simple.
Have a happy day,
love,
your friend,
sharkbutt

4 Things

Me was reading foodchik email, her read mine so me read hers. It fair and I never blab about hers, but her do blab about mine.

1) Four jobs that me have had:
Um, me a cat. Hello. There is nothing else. and what 4 mean anyway?
2) Four movies that me could watch over and over
Cats
Finding Nemo
Field of Dreams
What the Bleep do Me know?

3) Four places that me have lived
Foodchik house
Me a cat, what you fink me some kind of carny nomad?

4) Four shows me love(d) to watch
It baseball season, what you think we watch?
And Pinky and the Brain

5) Four places me have been on vacation
Me life is vacation. Don't think me don't know it. Me no like travelling much so it upstairs or downstairs pretty much, unless foodchik have a simple moment and leave a door ajar.

6) Four web sites me visit daily
jaxters-dogs.blogspot.com
petsmart.com
petco.com
catfood.com

7) Four foods me like
fitch
chicken
blueberry muffin
massage lotion

8)Four beverages me like
water
water
fitch gravy
grape juice

Question About Garlic

Dear Sharkbutt,
Hi how you? Me have a question for you. Are the fumes from garlic bad for cats?
Thanks, your friend,
Rocko

Deer Rocko,
Hi, how you? Me good. Eating garlic is bad for cats, it can give them anemia and that's when their blood no work too good. So cats can be poisoned by onions, garlic and shallots so no eat them. No let your cat friends eat them. Them smelps won't hurt you too bad though.

Have a happy day,
love your friend,
Sharkbutt

Gruntled

Hi, me no longer disgruntled so me think me gruntled. Food chik say Inklitch (FC note: this would be how English is pronounced in Cat, in Cat it would seem as many words as possible are formed and spelled to rhyme with fitch which would be fish in English, get all that?)are not always logical like that. But then neither is foodchik so we go with that. Me asked food chik why we have to get shots everytime we go see ant doctor kelly. Her said "Sharkbutt, I want you to be healthy and I know (me think her mean me instead of I) that you no like to go in the car so we no visit ant doctor kelly just to say hi. So we only go when you sick or when you need shots and to get your teeth looked at and your heart listened to and your ears cleaned up." This make sense to me.

Me Are Disgruntled

Food chik took me and Puppy to the cat vet today. The cat vet is AntDoctorKelly, me got food chik from her. Me like her.

We had to go in the crates and in the car. And we got shots in our butts, me got one. Puppy got two shots. We got weighed too. Me and Puppy weight the sameness, 11.2 lbs.

Guest Post from Stripe!

Foodchik is typing this for me, she and I are in cahoots. The small cats - Puppy the Surly and Sharkbutt the Simp are off to the vet. Buwahahahahaha! I'm helping her round them up. First there will be a very small quantity of tuna provided for our nibbling pleasure. Then she will snatch them up and crate them. At least that's the plan, wish her luck.

Question

Deer Sharkbutt,
How do you know if you have a good foodchik or one who is an evil minion?
Thanks,
Tank

Deer Tank,
Hi, how you? Me good. Me asked the big cats about the evil minion part, cuz me don't no what that is. And me asked them about the good foodchik too. Even though me know the answer to that one. A good foodchik (or fooddude) is nice to you, gives you water and food all the time, take you to the cat vet even though you no want to go, and make sure you ok. Puppy said a good foodchik is quick about the food and quick about fishing mess out of the cat box. Stripey said a good foodchik is everything me and Puppy said and them give you pets and tell you stories.

Me asked foodchik what is a evil minion, her said that a evil minion is just like a regular minion but evil. So them me said what is a minion, her said a minion is an assistant, me said foodchik give me a rexample please. Her said, ok, if you were a minion, you'd have a job say getting rid of mice or if some other strange cats were trying to break in here and make me be their foodchik, you would make friends with them on the down low to find out what they plotting and then tell me so we can vanquish their evil plan. Me say ok, and me tell the big cats. Them say, foodchik right. and really as long as foodchik do all the stuff we say good foodchik do, do we care if her a evil minion? no, we don't. but if you trying to figure out if your foodchik an evil minion. Then, ask youself 2 questions. Are her shifty and going about someone else's business? And are her evil?

Hope that helps,
have a happy day,
love, your friend,
Sharkbutt

Note from Sharkbutt's food chick: Right now I'm occupied as queen of Jupiter so no, I'm not a minion, I have minions. Just so we're clear.

Fitch!!!

Dear Sharkbutt,
My food dude takes fish oil in capsules. He says it good for his heart. I think it makes him have irresistable breath. Do you know anything about fish oil?
Thanks, Your friend, Midnight.

Deer Midnight,
Hi, how you? Me know a few things about fitch oil, and me asked food chik. Food chik takes fish oil too. Her used to take the good kind, where it made her have nice breath. But then one morning her waked up and me and Puppy were looking in her mouf for her fitch and her said cats, get out of my mouf. (Puppy pulls her lip down to look in her mouf) So now her fitch oil smelps like oranges and me hates that. So fitch oil has essential fatty acids in it and it good for food chik and food dudes hear, it good for them skin, it good for them joints and them blood vessels. Oh and them brains so if you food dude forgets to give you food, it good for him to have fitch oil for him brains. That all me know, hope it helps.

Have a happy day,
love your friend,
Sharkbutt

Question

Deer Sharkbutt,
Hi, How you? Me have a question, when me read the paper sometime them have a thing where foodchiks and fooddudes can teach them cats how to use the toilet. Me notice them have a DVD video thing in that. Do you learn stuff from DVD's? Me don't, usually me learn things by smelp. What you think of this learning to use the toilet business?
Thanks, your friend,
EthelMertz

Deer EthelMertz,
Hi, how you? Me good, franks. I asked my foodchik about this, her say the video is for the food chik or fooddude, but we both fink if the foodchik needs a video about how to use the toilet the cat is probably the smartest being in the house. The way it work is that foodchik would set up a tray wif cat litter in it over the toilet seat. Then when the cat use it, the chik scoops it and after a while the tray goes away and the cat just goes in the bowl. Then food chik will flush.

Hope this help you,
Have a happy day,
love, your friend,
Sharkbutt

Oh boy, advice

Deer Sharkbutt,
hi, how you? Me have a question for you, my foodchik not sleeping good lately. Me not sure why. How can me help her sleep more betterester?
Thanks,
Ethelbert

Deer Ethelbert,
Hi, how you? Me good. Sometime me foodchik not sleep good either. Sometimes her sleep so good her snorp, but that another story. When my food chik not sleeping good, we (me and big cats) sit on her when her meditate so her meditate for longer. Her usually sleep better after that. Sometime her put some lavender stuff in the pillow, them call that aromatherapy. Which is like pet therapy wif smelps. Me will also lick her head and tell her a story. That usually works pretty good. But her have to be pretty tired already to not giggle from the licking. Hope these helps.

Have a happy day,
love, your friend,
sharkbutt

Deer Sharkbutt

Hi, how you? me good. My food chik got a new dog. Its name is Punkin. Last week it was a little dog, now it's bigger than the house. Me no want to have to hurt it. But it got too busy with me and me have to scratch it nose. Now it afraid of me, and me want to play but it have to be gentle. Me weigh 10 lbs, it weigh 35. What can me do?
Thanks,
your friend, Hobbzik

Hi Hobbzik,
how you? your food chik still crazy? if her buying 2 ton dogs like Punkin, her must be. Me no know too much about dogs, but foodchik always say never mess with anyone bigger than you. What me do with foodchik when her get too obstreperous is lick her head until her calm down. Try that.

have a happy day,
love, your friend,
Sharkbutt

Yogurt

Foodchik had yogurt yesterday. Me like the berry kinds, and so does her. But the other day her had a bright idea to make some with jalapeno peppers to put on chicken. Me thought it would be tasty, me were mistaken. It were risgusting. Me hate them.