Santy Claws Story

Santy Claws

The Santy Claws story as told by Sharkbutt to the food chik.

Me have heard the story about Santy Claws and the reincows that fly in the sleigh to bring presents on Christmas and how him live up at the north pole and stuff but the story changed over the years because global warming melting polar ice caps and Santy Claws and Mrs. Claws was afraid the elves would drown in all the water in the basement from the meltiness. Also, Grandma Claws wanted him to come down and live by her in Boca. So the way me get the new story is that Santy Claws has relocated to Florida because it’s God’s waiting room and him thinking then there is room for promotion (him silly, God not leaving Florida). And it is actually 15 pink flamingos in santy claus hats pulling the sleigh, not reincows cuz Florida too hot for reincows (and reindeers don't usually leave Norway or Greenyland and Icyland. So the flamingos names are Petunia, Anastasia, Reggie, Sneezy, Ethelbert, Smedwick, Clyde, Elvis, Pinky, Fartrinda, Buzzy, Perky, Lefty, Orson and Pete. Them are safer than reincows because flamingos already know how to fly and don’t need lessons, them pink so them easier to spot in the sky and when them poop the turds not so big as to be painful and flamingos no do that whole antler thing. But them are not vegetarians like reincows and so them turds smelp awful so it good them are small turds. Always tradeoffs in this life. Still the flamingos can fit down the chimney better than the reincows can, so them make it a much more refficient operation.

But me digress, so if you a good catlet, doglet, or kidlet santy claws and the ‘gos will bring you stuff. Me asked for strimps in a can, catnip because me love nip and tunee fitch because it makes me mouf smile to just fink about it, oh and whirled peas even though me no really like vegetables much but the foodchik said me should ask for it since me always get everything else me ask for from Santy Claws. But me not always get the strimps from Santy because the flamingos need to eat the strimps to keep themselves pink, it reportant for them to maintain them visibility. So foodchik will get us the strimps. And we will leave cookies and milk for Santy Claws and strimps and butterscotch candies for the flamingos.

You can still leave socks hung up by your chimney if you want or wherever you like to hang them. Foodchik usually hangs ours on the stairs and me fink that her have the flamingos put the nip in her underwear drawer so we can’t get at it.

Then food chik will wake us up by hopping out of bed (tn – hop? As if.) and then we will look in our socks – her will hide the nip in them when her come downstairs and eat our strimps. We will open our presents from the chik and then her will open the one from us, big cats won't tell me what it is yet though. Them were talking about getting a side o' tunee fitch or meat, but me have the Ramerican Repress card and me think we got her a vacuum cleanier, even though me HATE them. Then we’ll all have yogurt and maybe blueberry muffins.

Oh Boy Her Coughing

Foodchik hardly never gets coughy, her hardly ever gets sickness. Mostly her just do stupid human tricks and hurt herself. So her is been barking like a dog and then her take spoon stuff and her are dopey. Me laugh, me think me will look in her mouth for fitch, just because me can.

Cold Again

Perhaps me have mentioned that foodchik keep it cold enough in here to hang meat. Sometime her are extra clever and no shut the door when her doing outside stuff. Me could freeze something off and her would laff. Her a cow and her moo!

Sneaky Food Chik

Foodchik went out to dinner with ant grandma and grandpa (tn: I'm no longer fighting him on this, if he wants everyone to be ant so be it. Foodchik sat down wif us and me smelped her mouf, and me just had to see if there were any fitch left in there, so me put me hoof in her mouf but nope me couldn't find any. (tn: yes, I'm still completely skeeved out.)

Foodchik making me do this

What is your favorite word? Fitch, it makes my mouth smile.
What is your least favorite word? Vegetable yuck.
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Fitch
What turns you off? Cold
What is your favorite curse word? crap
What sound or noise do you love? the opening of the cat food can.
What sound or noise do you hate? the closing of the door after foodchik go to work.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Me a cat, me got a sweet life.
What profession would you not like to do? Dog
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Come on in, foodchik waiting for you and her got snaks.

Question

Dear Sharkbutt,
Hi, how you? How are your teeth? I have not ever lived with a cat before. Can you tell me how to make a kitten comfortable in his new home? And can you tell me how to pick a good name for the kitten?
Thanks,
Petunia

Deer Petunia,
Hi, how you? me good fanks, and so are me teef. You are in for a treat wif having a new catlet to come to your house. Me answer your last question first. Foodchik always say no name your cat until you meet him or her. (her say this about kids too, but you kinda limited with kind of names you would give a kid) So you meet the cat and you talk nice to them. And something will come to you. If in doubt about what to name your cat something to do with fitch is always a good choice.

How to make the cat comfortable? First of all, use the heat in the house. No need to be shy about it. Kittens and cats like it warm. Then you want to have a water dish because we like that. And a food dish because we've gotta eat. And a litter box because the food and water after to go somewhere. That is the basics. When you first get a new cat, it good to keep him in a room by himself for a couple of days wif him litter box and water and food (at 2 different ends of the room) But visit him a lot, talk nice to him and pet him lots. Not a good idea to pick him up, most cats no like that too much. After a few days, then you can let them have the run of the house. Talk to your cat every day, and give them pets every day. Playing wif them is fun too. If them a kitten them gonna go for your toes.

If you have any questions, ask again. Me and foodchik are happy to help.
Have a happy day,
Sharkbutt

PS - if me had a kitten me would name it Tunee the Fitch

Question About Coldness

Deer Sharkbutt,
Hi, how you? how you teef? If your foodchik doesn't believe in heat, how do you keeps warm.
thanks,
Ethel

Deer Ethel,
Hi how you? me good, and me teef is good too, fanks you for asking. Donut tell my foodchik or the big cats but me keep warm mostly by sleeping in the leg of foodchik sweatpants. Although, sometimes me sleep on top of the hot water heater too.
Good luck wif being warm,
your friend,
Sharkbutt

Me didn't like the choices...

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional. You prefer things the way you've always known them. You'll admit that you're old fashioned, and you don't see anything wrong with that. Your tastes and preferences are classic. And classic never goes out of style. Those who like you crave security. People can rely on you to be true to yourself - and true to them. You're loyal, trustworthy, and comfortable in your own skin. And because of these qualities, you've definitely earned a lot of respect.

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Me Friend Z

Food chik have a flock o' nieces (6) but only one nephew Z! Z are a rinteresting guy, and him tell good stories. Him was telling me and foodchik about evil monkey minions that do kung fu. Foodchik are fascinated by minions, especially the evil kind.

Who Knew?

Food chik usually give us water to drink and me like it and the big cats like it. But since big Stripey is up to him not peeing right antics again foodchik working on it. So we are still getting lots of water and salty on our food, but we getting a new drink too, her call it bullyon but it chicken juice and it is reliciousness. Me can't believe me going to say this but it almost as good as fitch. Me never knew something could be this tastiness, it makes my teef smile!