Question About TV

Deer Sharkbutt,
On the tv, them always talking about cold and flu season. What's that?

Thanks,
your friend,
Hobbes

Deer Hobbes,
Hi, How you?
Cold and flu season is now in the wintery time, when people get the sneezeys and stuff. You can get a cold too, but not from your food chik or food dude.
Me never had that but Stripey has, him hate it and me think Orangy cat are just to mean to get a cold.

More Questions About Foodchiks

Deer Sharkbutt,
What is it with foodchiks and this salad stuff? I think the bag tastes better than the green stuff.

Thanks,
your friend,
Snodra

Deer Snodra,
Hi, how you? Me good.
Me think them like salad because of the dressing stuff they put on it. And me think it help them poo.

Have a happy day,
your friend,
Sharkbutt

Yup, I'm still

Impossibly Cute!

Questions About Foodchiks

Deer Sharkbutt,
How do you know how old you food chik is?
Thanks,
Your friend,
Minnie

Deer Minnie,
Hi, how you? Me good.
Well you can ask her how old her are. But some foodchiks will lie about them age. Mine lies like a rug about her age. Her will look you in the eye and shave 17 years.
Someone telled me you can cut off an arm and count the rings but that takes away a thumb and her need both of them to feed us. So no do that. You can also ask her mom, her mom will know. My foodchik mom - ant grandma lies though.

Have a happy day,
Your friend,
Sharkbutt

More EP (Emily Post, we will get to Elvis Presley later)

Dear Sharkbutt,
Is it ok to sing Hello Dolly to the Dalai Lama?
Thanks, your friend,
Molleek.

Deer Molleek,
Hi, how you? Me good. How your food chik, mine good.
You can sing Hello Dolly to him holiness, it will prolly make him laff. Him have a great laff, but you better off asking him a question maybe or saying hello, instead of singing at him. Him no a lot of stuff about being happymentation.

Have a happy day,
Your friend,
Sharkbutt

Me Like a Regular Emily Post

Deer Sharkbutt,
Me have a question for you. What is regifting and should we do it?

Thanks, your friend,
Tank

Hi Tank,
How you? Me good.
Regifting is when you get a can of chicken for a gift and cuz you no like chicken you give it to someone else as a gift. No you should not do it, it not really nice. If you no like the chicken, you can just say to your friend, me no eat this, you can have it if you like it. I guess that kind of regifting but not really.
So me will give you foodchik answer about everything.
It depends.

Have a happy day,
Your friend,
Sharkbutt

Food Chik Is A Cow and Her Moo!

Me are mad, me was minding me own business licking my foot when food chik started up the vacuum sucker thing. Her know me hate it. Her just do it to be mean. (tn - no her don't)

Happy Christmas

for me. And the other cats. Me noticed me was calling them the big cats but them not big anymore. Them old, but food chik say me not allowed to call them old. Me fink cuz her really old. (tn - no her not, cat) It were really nice food chik buyed us astronaut freeze dried tunee fitch and new toys. and grandma and grandpa and ant kate - hey me said ant grandma (tn - if she's grandma, she's not ant this is not kentucky and they are not mix and match titles) Can I call him ant grandpa? (tn - no, men not ant) you confuse me. anyway, them buyed us really cool toys too. we going to play with them more today, when food chik stops typing this for me and then her will feed us. real tunee fitch and astronaut tunee fitch too. Her say them both risgusting but we love them.

We got a thing in a bag, it really cool. Me like to attack that.

Oh and happy Christmas to you from me and the other cats and the food chik, who is just regular old, not really old.

More About Santy Claws

Me was licking foodchik head, me do that sometimes when her laying down. It relaxing for me and me fink her too. And me asked her about Santy Claws and him flamingos, she said that people still like to call them reincows especially on Norad and the Weather Channel. So we no have a chimney that reincows, or flamingos or a Santy Claws can fit into so food chik telled me that me silly and them will come in through the dryer vent and them will bring us stuff.

Foodchik likes flamingos, them make her smile and that's happy. Her make me laff.

Food Chik and Big Stripey at the Cat Vet

The foodchik camed home from work and did what her always does, her peed. Me fink it have something to do wif driving because when big Stripey has been in the car him have to pee too. Well, Big Stripey went in to keep her company as him usually do, and him hopped up into her pants, like him does. But him peed in her pants. (me laughed and laughed, her so mad) Food chik knewed that him must be sick so her taked him to the cat vet. Her had to chase him while her were naked from him peeing. Her yell alot when her naked. Him telled me her drived really, really fast. Her is still a little nuts from nervous about it.

Then we get up this morning and her have to give the big Stripey him medicine and her somehow shoot it up her nose. Me laughed, so did big Orangey and big Stripey and them hardly never laugh. Her one comical food chik.

Santy Claws

The Santy Claws story as told by Sharkbutt to the food chik.

Me have heard the story about Santy Claws and the reincows that fly in the sleigh to bring presents on Christmas and the north pole and stuff but the story changed over the years because global warming melting polar ice caps and Santy Claws and Mrs. Claws was afraid the elves would drown in all the water in the basement. So the way me get the new story is that Santy Claws has relocated to Florida because it’s God’s waiting room and him thinking then there is room for promotion (him silly, God not leaving Florida). And it is actually 15 pink flamingos in santy claus hats pulling the sleigh, not reincows cuz Florida too hot for reincows. And the flamingos names are Petunia, Anastasia, Reggie, Sneezy, Ethelbert, Smedwick, Clyde, Pansy, Pinky, Fartrinda, Buzzy, Perky, Lefty, Orson and Fred. Them are safer than reincows because flamingos already know how to fly and don’t need lessons, them pink so them easier to spot in the sky and when them poop the turds not so big as to be painful and flamingos no do that whole antler thing. But them are not vegetarians like reincows and so them turds smelp awful. Always tradeoffs in this life. Still the flamingos can fit down the chimney better than the reincows can, so them make it a much more refficient operation.

But me digress, so if you a good catlet, doglet, or kidlet santy claws and the ‘gos will bring you stuff. Me asked for strimps in a can, catnip because me love nip and tunee fitch because it makes me mouf smile to just fink about it, oh and whirled peas even though me no really like vegetables much but the foodchik said me should ask for it since me always get everything else me ask for from Santy Claws. But me not always get the strimps from Santy because the flamingos need to eat the strimps to keep themselves pink. So foodchik will get us the strimps. And we will leave cookies and milk for Santy Claws and strimps and butterscotch candies for the flamingos.

You can still leave socks hung up by your chimney if you want or wherever you like to hang them. Foodchik usually hangs ours on the stairs and me fink that her have the flamingos put the nip in her underwear drawer so we can’t get at it.

Then food chik will wake us up by hopping out of bed (tn – hop? As if.) and then we will look in our socks – her will hide the nip in them when her come downstairs and eat our strimps. We will open our presents from the chik and then her will open the one from us, big cats won't tell me what it is yet though. Them were talking about getting a side o' tunee fitch or meat. Then we’ll all have yogurt and maybe blueberry muffins.

What It's Like

Dear Sharkbutt,
I'm not quite sure my foodchik is normal. What is yours like?
Your Friend,
Caezerrrrrr

Deer Caezerrrrr,
Hi, how you? Me good. My foodchik is nice, but goofy. Antgrandma says her are redanged. (tn - antgrandma is the mother of the foodchik and antgrandpa is her father, sharkbutt does not get the whole concept of ant and uncle, everyone is either ant or mister.) Sometime her just say good morning. Sometime her sing 'what's new pussycat?' at us. Me don't know what it's supposed to sound like. But me no think it's supposed to sound like dogys howling or the vacuum cleaner breaking. Sometimes her pretty quick to know that maybe it's food time or that me would like to play. Sometimes her roll around on the floor wif me and her rexercise wif me too. We do crunchy fings and me get to ride on her head. So me don't know if your foodchik is normal but this is what we do. If your foodchik is nice to you and makes sure you have clean food, water, box for poo and a place to sleep that the important thing. If her give you pets and play wif you that even better.
Have a happy day,
your friend,
Sharkbutt

Uh oh!

The food chik are fit to be tied. Big Stripey made a break for it tonight and him were hiding under her truck. Her was yelling outside and me could hear her inside, her was so crazed and worried. Him ran back in the house and hided and now him trying to suck up to her. It pretty funny, now.

Hot Peppers

Me not hate a lot of things, but me hate hot peppers. Them are evil, worse than bugs. Food chik were cooking chili and her put some roasty jalapenos in it, but her flicked a piece of pepper on me and it made me eyes water and when me licked it, it was evil. Hate, big hate them.

Cooking

You prolly no that cats do not cook. We no like flames and then there's this whole business of the tail around fire, it's not good. So food chik cooks for us when we need it, and you know me would rather walk on me lips than criticize the food chik but what her cook can be scary.

Me and the big cats buyed her a fitch cooker thing for her birthday. (her are old) (tn - her are not old, and it is called a grill, not a fitch cooker thing) And her made us some tunee fitch, which me and the big cats like when her crack a can for us, but this was risgusting. So tonight her made a stake, which her coughed up a piece of for me. (tn - not literally, that would really be risgusting) and it ok, but me know it hard to mess up a stake. But then her was making orange tater fings and them were gross. I mean nasty. (tn - because he eats a lot of vegetables and somehow would know, oh, and he licks his butt, this prince of taste discernment)

Food Questions

Dear Sharkbutt,
Hi, do cats eat macaroni? If you do, with sauce or not?
Your friend,
Squonky

Dear Squonky,
Hi, how you? Me good. Me like your name.
Me only eat macaroni when it's under clam sauce or skrimp scampi. Big orangy no eat it at all, and Big Stripey will usually eat anything that's not nailed down. So me fink it like anything else, depends on you tasty buds. We all like yogurt here, especially the blue.
Have a happy day,
your friend,
sharkbutt

Uh Oh

The food chik took one of big Stripey's vitamins, them both take the same vitamin C but him take some liverish ones and her take some big green ones. Anyway, her thought her grabbed C and her chomped on liver and her said words me no can repeat or even spell here. Her were mad.

Chanting

My food chick chants and it's fun to lay on her chest and feel her chant, it's like a little massage kind of deal and me like it. Big Orangy like it too and we had words about it and her scratched foodchik face. The chik were not remused.

This are me!

Aren't I too ferocious looking for words?

Snorping

Lots o' cats talk to me about them food chicks or food dudes snorping. Mine does not, but big Stripey does, and when him does, me just lick him head and it stop. Me fink that will work on a food chik or a food dude.

Have a happy day,
your friend,
Sharkbutt

How do you train a food chick?

Dear Sharkbutt,
Our food chick feed us boring food all the time. Her no even like the way it taste, her say it bland. How we get her to cough up some fitch?
Thanks,
Hobbes

Deer Hobbes,
hi, how you? me good. How you get food chik to cough up some fitch? slap her on the back while her eating it. hahahaha. me crack myself up. how you get her to feed you fitch? first her got to be sure that it won't make you sick. big stripey gets sick from fitch - more for me. if it don't make you sick then you put it on your list for santy claws and you tell your food chik to put it in the fridge before her give it to you so it cold and no smell so mutch, then her won't vomick in it.
have a happy day,
your friend,
sharkbutt

Hmmm

the foodchik does my typing for me and set this mess up, but it mystify me how people and cats and dogs are going to ask for advice if we no tell them how to do it. Sometime foodchik get a little distracted, me just saying. If you want to ask me a question or say hi you can write to me at nospammailsharkb@gmail.comnospam. if you going to write me you probably smart and no that nospam can be omitted from the email address, don't you?

Santy Claws

Deer sharkbutt, we are catlets and we keep hearing from our foodchik about this Santy Claws guy. What is his story and do we get fitch?
Your friends, Moose and Liger

Deer Moose and Liger,
Hi, how you? Me good. Santy Claws comes in the winter, after the solstice thing, before the new years in him sleigh full of fitch and nip. Him sleigh is pulled by 15 flamingos in red leopard print santy claws hats. If you are good catlets, him will bring you fitch, nip and toys. if you bad, him bring you dogs and mulch.

have a happy day,
your friend,
sharkbutt

Thanksgiving Advice*

Dear Sharkbutt, What do cats eat for Thanksgiving? My brother says you eat turnips, I think he's wrong. Your friend, L

Dear L,
Cats eat remains of turkey for Thanksgiving usually. Foodchik will sometimes give us a turkey hoof. We had a substitute foodchik this Franksgiving and her gave us turkey and fitch mixed. Me thought it was relicious, big orangy thought it was risgusting. Your brother wrong we no eat vegetables much, especially not turnips, them risgusting, like way.
Have a happy day, your friend Sharkbutt

* sharkbutt contends that the appropriate name of the holiday is franksgiving. Because we get franks to eat sometimes.

Holidays

Dear Sharkbutt, Do cats celebrate holidays? If you do, how do you celebrate them? Thanks, F
Dear F, Yep, we celebrate hollerdays, we call them that cuz them a day your foodchik holler at you for tripping her. Mostly our foodchik will buy us snaks and sometimes presents and give us a yogurt snak. Have a happy day, your friend, sharkbutt

My First Letter

Dear Sharkbutt,
I am wondering how cats drink out of bowls, I usually use a glass or a bottle. Do you ever use a glass or a bottle? Your Friend, Z

Dear Z,
Hi, how you? Me good. We drink our water out of bowls by curlying our tongue under and slurping it up. Me can do that out of a glass if it wide enough for my head. Me cannot drink water out of a bottle. It just no work for me.
Have a happy day,
Your Friend,
Sharkbutt

From Sharkbutt

Sometimes people and cats that know me ask me for revice (typist's note - Sharkbutt has idiosyncratic ways to use prefixes and suffixes - re is very popular with him). Hey are you calling me idiot? (tn: no, I'm calling you unique) Me not a sneak. (tn: one of a kind) Ok. Anyway, someone asked me if she needs to study for smelling class - and having to study anything with the senses seems silly. (tn: I think she meant spelling) oh. me a cat, what me know about spelling, me know about smelling.

A Cat Advice Column

Hey Rush Limbaugh has a radio show, in that context a cat with an advice blog makes a certain amount of sense. With the help of his handy typist, Sharkbutt will answer questions and offer musings on life and the way of the world. The handy typist will be providing his musings verbatim and since Sharkbutt speaks in the voice of a toddler boy the grammar, sentence structure and word structure will be fraught with flexibility and the translation will be from Cat to English with periodic lapses into Tibetan, which interestingly enough translates more readily into Cat.