Santy Claws

The Santy Claws story as told by Sharkbutt to the food chik.

Me have heard the story about Santy Claws and the reincows that fly in the sleigh to bring presents on Christmas and the north pole and stuff but the story changed over the years because global warming melting polar ice caps and Santy Claws and Mrs. Claws was afraid the elves would drown in all the water in the basement. So the way me get the new story is that Santy Claws has relocated to Florida because it’s God’s waiting room and him thinking then there is room for promotion (him silly, God not leaving Florida). And it is actually 15 pink flamingos in santy claus hats pulling the sleigh, not reincows cuz Florida too hot for reincows. And the flamingos names are Petunia, Anastasia, Reggie, Sneezy, Ethelbert, Smedwick, Clyde, Pansy, Pinky, Fartrinda, Buzzy, Perky, Lefty, Orson and Fred. Them are safer than reincows because flamingos already know how to fly and don’t need lessons, them pink so them easier to spot in the sky and when them poop the turds not so big as to be painful and flamingos no do that whole antler thing. But them are not vegetarians like reincows and so them turds smelp awful. Always tradeoffs in this life. Still the flamingos can fit down the chimney better than the reincows can, so them make it a much more refficient operation.

But me digress, so if you a good catlet, doglet, or kidlet santy claws and the ‘gos will bring you stuff. Me asked for strimps in a can, catnip because me love nip and tunee fitch because it makes me mouf smile to just fink about it, oh and whirled peas even though me no really like vegetables much but the foodchik said me should ask for it since me always get everything else me ask for from Santy Claws. But me not always get the strimps from Santy because the flamingos need to eat the strimps to keep themselves pink. So foodchik will get us the strimps. And we will leave cookies and milk for Santy Claws and strimps and butterscotch candies for the flamingos.

You can still leave socks hung up by your chimney if you want or wherever you like to hang them. Foodchik usually hangs ours on the stairs and me fink that her have the flamingos put the nip in her underwear drawer so we can’t get at it.

Then food chik will wake us up by hopping out of bed (tn – hop? As if.) and then we will look in our socks – her will hide the nip in them when her come downstairs and eat our strimps. We will open our presents from the chik and then her will open the one from us, big cats won't tell me what it is yet though. Them were talking about getting a side o' tunee fitch or meat. Then we’ll all have yogurt and maybe blueberry muffins.