Guest Post from Stripe!

Foodchik is typing this for me, she and I are in cahoots. The small cats - Puppy the Surly and Sharkbutt the Simp are off to the vet. Buwahahahahaha! I'm helping her round them up. First there will be a very small quantity of tuna provided for our nibbling pleasure. Then she will snatch them up and crate them. At least that's the plan, wish her luck.

Question

Deer Sharkbutt,
How do you know if you have a good foodchik or one who is an evil minion?
Thanks,
Tank

Deer Tank,
Hi, how you? Me good. Me asked the big cats about the evil minion part, cuz me don't no what that is. And me asked them about the good foodchik too. Even though me know the answer to that one. A good foodchik (or fooddude) is nice to you, gives you water and food all the time, take you to the cat vet even though you no want to go, and make sure you ok. Puppy said a good foodchik is quick about the food and quick about fishing mess out of the cat box. Stripey said a good foodchik is everything me and Puppy said and them give you pets and tell you stories.

Me asked foodchik what is a evil minion, her said that a evil minion is just like a regular minion but evil. So them me said what is a minion, her said a minion is an assistant, me said foodchik give me a rexample please. Her said, ok, if you were a minion, you'd have a job say getting rid of mice or if some other strange cats were trying to break in here and make me be their foodchik, you would make friends with them on the down low to find out what they plotting and then tell me so we can vanquish their evil plan. Me say ok, and me tell the big cats. Them say, foodchik right. and really as long as foodchik do all the stuff we say good foodchik do, do we care if her a evil minion? no, we don't. but if you trying to figure out if your foodchik an evil minion. Then, ask youself 2 questions. Are her shifty and going about someone else's business? And are her evil?

Hope that helps,
have a happy day,
love, your friend,
Sharkbutt

Note from Sharkbutt's food chick: Right now I'm occupied as queen of Jupiter so no, I'm not a minion, I have minions. Just so we're clear.

Fitch!!!

Dear Sharkbutt,
My food dude takes fish oil in capsules. He says it good for his heart. I think it makes him have irresistable breath. Do you know anything about fish oil?
Thanks, Your friend, Midnight.

Deer Midnight,
Hi, how you? Me know a few things about fitch oil, and me asked food chik. Food chik takes fish oil too. Her used to take the good kind, where it made her have nice breath. But then one morning her waked up and me and Puppy were looking in her mouf for her fitch and her said cats, get out of my mouf. (Puppy pulls her lip down to look in her mouf) So now her fitch oil smelps like oranges and me hates that. So fitch oil has essential fatty acids in it and it good for food chik and food dudes hear, it good for them skin, it good for them joints and them blood vessels. Oh and them brains so if you food dude forgets to give you food, it good for him to have fitch oil for him brains. That all me know, hope it helps.

Have a happy day,
love your friend,
Sharkbutt

Question

Deer Sharkbutt,
Hi, How you? Me have a question, when me read the paper sometime them have a thing where foodchiks and fooddudes can teach them cats how to use the toilet. Me notice them have a DVD video thing in that. Do you learn stuff from DVD's? Me don't, usually me learn things by smelp. What you think of this learning to use the toilet business?
Thanks, your friend,
EthelMertz

Deer EthelMertz,
Hi, how you? Me good, franks. I asked my foodchik about this, her say the video is for the food chik or fooddude, but we both fink if the foodchik needs a video about how to use the toilet the cat is probably the smartest being in the house. The way it work is that foodchik would set up a tray wif cat litter in it over the toilet seat. Then when the cat use it, the chik scoops it and after a while the tray goes away and the cat just goes in the bowl. Then food chik will flush.

Hope this help you,
Have a happy day,
love, your friend,
Sharkbutt

Oh boy, advice

Deer Sharkbutt,
hi, how you? Me have a question for you, my foodchik not sleeping good lately. Me not sure why. How can me help her sleep more betterester?
Thanks,
Ethelbert

Deer Ethelbert,
Hi, how you? Me good. Sometime me foodchik not sleep good either. Sometimes her sleep so good her snorp, but that another story. When my food chik not sleeping good, we (me and big cats) sit on her when her meditate so her meditate for longer. Her usually sleep better after that. Sometime her put some lavender stuff in the pillow, them call that aromatherapy. Which is like pet therapy wif smelps. Me will also lick her head and tell her a story. That usually works pretty good. But her have to be pretty tired already to not giggle from the licking. Hope these helps.

Have a happy day,
love, your friend,
sharkbutt

Deer Sharkbutt

Hi, how you? me good. My food chik got a new dog. Its name is Punkin. Last week it was a little dog, now it's bigger than the house. Me no want to have to hurt it. But it got too busy with me and me have to scratch it nose. Now it afraid of me, and me want to play but it have to be gentle. Me weigh 10 lbs, it weigh 35. What can me do?
Thanks,
your friend, Hobbzik

Hi Hobbzik,
how you? your food chik still crazy? if her buying 2 ton dogs like Punkin, her must be. Me no know too much about dogs, but foodchik always say never mess with anyone bigger than you. What me do with foodchik when her get too obstreperous is lick her head until her calm down. Try that.

have a happy day,
love, your friend,
Sharkbutt

Yogurt

Foodchik had yogurt yesterday. Me like the berry kinds, and so does her. But the other day her had a bright idea to make some with jalapeno peppers to put on chicken. Me thought it would be tasty, me were mistaken. It were risgusting. Me hate them.